i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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