You made me cry and you don't even care
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just blew my weed a kiss
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
