I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
