paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
