Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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