I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I am spending my child support on dildos
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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