By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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