By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
