Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So many bounce houses so little time
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Randomize
