i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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