Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I could have mohawked her pubes.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
