you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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