The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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