Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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