girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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