I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
