is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
