when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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