so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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