I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
