I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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