Umm I'm too high to move.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
