Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
