You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
