Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
