I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
