I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
