Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
