If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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