I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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