I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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