I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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