It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
