Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
