if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
