I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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