oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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