Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
