3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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