I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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