You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
