you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
