Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
