i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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