There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
