It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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