A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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