I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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