I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
