He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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